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| I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time. I haven't felt inspired to. | | |
| Tonight I was brainstorming about life, and I came to the conclusion that I am happy and content and yet longing, though I'm not sure what I'm longing for. I have energy and I don't where it came from, and I've been envisioning my future as though everything I can imagine will take place in reality. That inspiration is from somewhere beyond my own capabilities (I cannot be my own muse), but I'm unsure how it came to be inside of me and why it's there now. I'm not stuck behind a cloud of desperation any longer, I'm not stuck anywhere. I am right where I think I want to be, taking it easy until the next change approaches me. The thing is, all of a sudden there are multiple HUGE changes approaching, and I find myself wanting to turn and run in the opposite direction. And then hide. I have always tried to be someone who follows my own intuition, and have usually been fairly certain in those rare circumstances. Now I am faced with decisions which I feel are out of my own comprehension. Either I am anxious about all of it, or I am unsure where my intuition is leading me and equally unsure of what to do about that confusion. I'm naturally an impulsive person, but lately I am scaring myself with over-analyzing and lack of impulse and not knowing how to make sense of the differences in my own thought process. It's not about switching to decaf or deciding where to go to lunch over the weekend, those are no-brainers--I'll never switch to decaf because the only real reason that I drink coffee, if I'm being honest, is for the caffeine. And come on, I'm never the one who gets to choose the restaurant anyway.--this is about everything in my life changing course onto unknown territory very soon. My job(s), my housing situation (still very new to me and suddenly possibly changing again), even my education (that I have been putting on hold). I feel as though I will burst if I don't do something about everything going on in my head now, tonight, er...this morning. But what can I do at this hour other than ponder it? Pondering it seems to leave me with nothing more than what I began with though, because it's the pondering that has led me to believe that overwhelming voice in my head telling me it's too much to take on, back off. Slide back behind the scenes and pretend you weren't hoping for anything more for yourself again, Julie.
This is me pondering the impossibility of hopefulness after I've finished pondering
Also, either my laundry detergent or soap is irritating my skin, or I am getting the chicken pox for the first time ever, but my skin ITCHES. | | |
| This is just getting ridiculous. | | |
| This morning I didn't want to wake up at 5am rather than sleeping in, but I did.
Last night I didn't want to go to bed instead of staying up late to read a book, but I did.
Yesterday I didn't want to go to the dentist, I wanted to ignore it and stay in bed all morning until I had to get up for work, but I went anyway.
Last weekend I didn't want to go babysit instead of going to hang out with friends, but I went.
Last Christmas I didn't want to spend my money on gifts, but I did. I spent a lot.
Last Summer I didn't want a full time job, or any responsibilities for that matter. I wanted to stay up late, sleep all day, and go to the beach whenever I had the urge. But I kept my job, and I didn't get to do what I wanted most of the time.
...
Seeing a pattern?
I do things because I have to. We all do. It's the responsible thing to do.
But there is so often a desire to not be doing it, a yearning to be elsewhere and just...not doing that thing. Sometimes there are other things we would rather be doing, but most of the time it's pretty simple, we don't want to do anything.
Because there's no freedom in doing things unless we feel like it. I wouldn't enjoy a piece of chocolate cake if I was being forced to eat it, I would want to wait until I felt like eating it. Even good things, even easy things are not enjoyable or worthwhile unless we like it and we want it.
In the world we live in and the culture we are surrounded by, it's so easy to lose our desires to the shuffle of life and to responsibility. Parents grow old before some of their dreams are reached because of their children, children blame their parents for holding them back too much; it's always about making excuses and feeling disappointed isn't it? There is a constant let down, an anti-high, an unceasing discontentedness. Just because we are so often face to face with exchanging one for one rather than getting both, and in our world today we are taught by everything around us that if you don't get what you want, you can't be happy. Money, cars, gadgets, clothes, shoes, mansions, designer-everythings, good looks...etc. Material things is vain ideas is empty actions. There is a trap in all of it; illusions of something more exciting, newer, bigger, stronger, faster. Better.
Well I don't want any of it even if it means that I could never be happy without it. I don't want to think that I'm happy just because I got to be lazy and I have everything I've ever fantasized about having all at once. If that's where peace comes from, if that's how I'll find my way to content, I don't want anything to do with it. What about pride in yourself because of your accomplishments? What about hard work that makes you feel better about yourself just because you know you worked hard? It's so much easier than so many people realize.
I refuse to be blind and put on a new face every day and look for my happiness inside a new purse at the mall.
Happiness is in the people I love.
Peace is in the faith I hold.
Contentedness is in knowing that everything I have, the person I am today, and all of the details in between are slight in comparison to what waits for me in the future.
I am happy. Because I am not looking for it.
And that is my revelation this week. | | |
| If everything you have is what you want, then stop complaining about everything.
I think that in 60 years when I am 80 and still kicking strong, I will be happy to look back at these last couple of days and know that I gave a second chance to someone who may have not deserved it. There is so much self-gratification in sacrificing your own well being momentarily for someone you care about, someone you would do anything for.
I've heard it before, but only now can I truly understand it.
There once was a girl who hurt another girl in the worst way. Cold hearts lost their love for each other and a year went by. Then one day that changed. Words can cause the ability to simply look the other way and forgive; tears are a magic liquid to heal the soul. And that's what happened.
Trusting takes time, no matter how many times you've trusted.
I'm brave enough for this, are you? | | |
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